May 2022

Turns out there’s only so much juggling I can do before everything comes crashing down. And by that, I mean, quit teaching.

In the last six months we’ve had so many hospital visits for you Grace, I think we might have actually completed the ‘rainbow teddy challenge’. This is not a real challenge by the way, I made it up, but each time you go to hospital they let you choose a bear from an array of different colours. I’m pretty sure we now have them all, including extra pink ones. Then, back in February we all finally caught Covid. It turns out those ‘up the nose poking tests’ turn positive pretty quickly when you actually have the virus. Checking back every ten minutes just in case, like we’d done every other time we’d suspected it, was probably pointless in hindsight. Evelyn, you didn’t have any symptoms at all and just thought it was great to have a week off school. On the other hand, me and your dad were absolutely floored and were so glad of our double vaccinations.

Our biggest concern, since the start of the pandemic had always been about how it might affect you Grace. With your track record we’d feared the worst and once we all had it there was no escaping it for you. Just like every other time you’d succumbed to a virus day three was the fork in the road and we were never sure which way you would go. Fortunately, after fearing the worst, a panicked check of your vitals by a GP in the Practice car park and yet another trip to A&E, on this occasion you were back home in time for bed.

Work wasn’t any easier either, earlier in the year the school trust announced they wanted to remove their staff from the Teachers Pension Scheme and it all kicked off. The atmosphere turned toxic and it really felt like ‘us against them’. We were told in briefing that ‘if we cared about the pupils we wouldn’t strike’, parents were told only half a story each time a decision was made about the next steps and one senior leader told the sixth form that we were only upset because ‘we hadn’t managed our finances properly’. In the end we spent a number of days on strike which although was unifying experience for those of us out on the picket line, it made things really awkward with those who ‘crossed it’ each morning. To top it off, after getting on well with my Headteacher for nearly five years our relationship had begun to deteriorate. Despite all the hard work I’d put into the department, considerably improving the ‘value added’ since arriving, it seemed only the raw number of A and A*s actually mattered now. I was told outright to stop encouraging girls who wanted to do physics unless they would get one of those grades. That’s not what I went into teaching for, I wanted to teach pupils who were passionate about the subject, it didnt matter whether they were ‘A’ grade or not.

It all came to a head just before the Easter break. After one of my lessons a Year 11 pupil stayed behind to ask whether I thought she could do A’level Physics. In all probability she would have been a C/B grade student but she loved the subject and was exactly the sort of pupil I loved having in my class. Instead of telling her this, I did as I’d been told and explained perhaps it wouldn’t be the best choice for her and asked whether she was considering anything else. As the sparkle in her eyes disappeared every part of me felt like this conversation was wrong, I hated the teacher I was being asked to be. I went home that night and told your dad I couldn’t do it any longer.

The following week I arranged a meeting to see the Headteacher. As I sat down in her office she knew what was coming. I told her I didn’t think my philosophy aligned with the schools anymore, she told me some woman just wanted to ‘be mummies’. I handed in my notice in there and then.

October 2014

I was checking the ‘Hope’ facebook group religiously but still not feeling confident about doing anything other than lurking. By this point I’d spoken briefly to a few ladies from the group. We’d exchange pleasantries, tell our stories and usually work out, quite quickly, whether we’d be a good fit moving forward. The first couple were lovely but hoping to get moving sooner than we wanted. Then one evening I got a message from Sarah. She’d seen my introduction post and knew we wanted to wait a while before getting down to the nitty gritty. For a number of reasons she wasn’t quite ready either but she did want to start the ‘gtk’ (getting to know) process. She was also ‘chatting’ to another couple but they were pushing to start sooner so she wasn’t sure they were right for her and had been open with them about exploring her options.

A million thoughts rushed through my mind, was Sarah the one, who were the other couple, how do I seem keen but not overly keen all at the same time? She lived in Bristol, Grandma’s home town, maybe that was a sign?

I messaged her back, we were totally open to ‘chatting’. I told her some more about us and asked if this was ‘her first time’?

The next morning my alarm went off for work, I checked my phone. She’d replied at 3am. Was that weird? She told me a little more about herself. It was her first time, she had two kids, she was single and she’d just started working again after taking time off when her kids were young. She told me she had some ‘issues, but didn’t everyone?’, and although she’d also had problems in the past it was nothing serious and she was happy to talk it. She finished by saying that she hoped non of this would ‘put me off’. Did all that put me off? I wasn’t sure, maybe it did, maybe it didn’t.

Like most days work was relentless and there wasn’t much time to go to the loo let alone reply to a message like that. At 5pm I got another message from Sarah saying that she hoped she hadn’t overwhelmed me. This time I replied quickly saying she hadn’t but I’d been flat out and was now off to do some tutoring but I promised I would reply again when I got home.

When I was finally done for the day another message from Sarah was waiting for me. She hoped I would talk to your dad about her and consider her. To be honest I wasn’t sure what to think, it seemed a little intense but was this what this new world was like? Even if I wasn’t 100% sure, was this our chance to be parents?

We chatted daily for the rest of the week, it was a busy time at school and I quickly realized how time consuming this would be on top of everything else that was going on.

My check ups were still every three months and it was a good job. I was getting lots of niggles and became obsessed with checking every time I went to the loo that things were “normal”. My mind was all over the place, I wasn’t sure if I was ready for this, I just needed to get to half term. Sarah messaged to say she was going away to visit her extended family and I told her our plans, your dad was going to Spain with the school and I was going back to the North East. For ten days I got no reply and then a note to say she hadn’t realized that her last message didn’t send. There was always so much reading between the lines and I wondered if something had changed. Two days later it was obvious that it had. I sent another message asking whether she had Halloween plans, but the blue tick never appeared. She never even read the message and I never heard from her again.

I quickly realised that Sarah disappearing was for the best. Just like the conversation I had with my Year 11 about whether she should continue with Physics, my first break up with Rob Rochester, or the few months I lived with Andrew in Putney, I felt a niggling unease at the pit of my stomach. Something about this situation just wasn’t right. But changing jobs when you’re a female physics teacher surrounded by a plethora of decent schools turns out to be lot easier than ending a relationship.

I needed Grandma’s unapproving gaze boring into me before I eventually called it off with Rob. With Andrew, well that story has already been told and with Sarah, she might well have fallen off the face of the Earth and I would never have known. One thing I do know is, I’m grateful they ripped off the band-aide when they did and saved us all any unnecessary pain. Although my intuition is good, 39 years later I’m still working how to act on it in a timely manner. Maybe one day I’ll get there.

Forever & Always

Mum xx